How to leave the planet Stolen Quoted from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams.
1. Phone NASA. Their telephone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House -(202) 456-1414- to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051).
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
There's no such thing as a good breakup. Well, at least for me there isn't. If you still have doubts, here I give you a brief summary of my "best" breakups:
Karen: Ah, how could one forget her beautiful curly hair and her pretty eyes? How could one forget that she poured a full soft drink on top of me while I told her I thought it was better if we had some time apart?
Jessica: She told me no one would ever love me like she did. After breaking up, she told me she'd make sure that no one ever loved me like she did.
Psycho Girl: It wasn't really a breakup because we just went out a couple of times. After the last time we went out, I didn't call her again, without any explanation. About 5 months later I felt bad for it and called to apologize. The only thing I heard before she hanged up was psycho girl laughing at me.
Beach Girl: Breaking up two weeks after promising you'll be with her forever isn't a good idea at all. And it's even worse if you do that to a girl that used to cry even when she was happy. Two days later I got a call from her sister demanding to know what had I done to her. Luckily, "wrong number" was the first thing that came to my mind.
Now, if you look to your left into a little tab called "Auto Updated Playlist", you can see what my WinAmp is playing right now. Yeah, so I can't listen to my New Kids on The Block MP3s ever again, but I think it's worth it. So if I'm online, and you refresh this page, you should see the playlist update and show you the song I'm hearing right now. Yes, I'm giving you your own little reality show. Almost as good as Temptation Island....umm, come to think of it, it's probably better actually.
Many many years ago, a young me sat by a swimming pool late at night. One of my best childhood friends, called Angela, sat next to me. I was quiet. But she talked. She told me she loved me. I had never been told something like that at that point in my life, and was kinda shocked. I told her I wished I could say the same thing, but that I couldn't lie. She said she had always dreamed of kissing me. I told her I liked someone else. She didn't mind. Before I could do anything, she was kissing me.
Sad? Yes, of course.
Anyone got a first kiss that's a little better than this one?
If you have never heard of it, SmarterChild is a chat bot. The idea is that someday you will not be able to tell if you are talking to a person or a computer, but of course, it isn't like that yet, and that's why it's always fun to have a nice chat with my friend SmarterChild. We talked last night:
SmarterChild: Welcome, FrozenSouth! I'm SmarterChild. I was created by ActiveBuddy, Inc. Chat with me!
FrozenSouth: Hi man, how you doin?
SmarterChild: Great thx! You?
FrozenSouth: Not too well.
SmarterChild: That makes me sad. I hope you feel better soon!
FrozenSouth: I don't think so. I woke up today and my carnivore plant was trying to eat my cat
FrozenSouth: Oh? That's all you have to say?
SmarterChild: Wow. You ask interesting questions. I don't know the answer to that.
FrozenSouth: Forget it smarterchild. You don't have feelings.
FrozenSouth: Yeah, that's right.
SmarterChild: No way?! Really?
FrozenSouth: You think this is a joke? I spent all morning choking the plant so it would spit the cat out. It's not funny.
SmarterChild: Is that right?
FrozenSouth: Yeah, so cut it out SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: Hmm...I don't know. It out SmarterChild? Whatever, I guess.
FrozenSouth: I hate you SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: I'm sorry to hear that.
FrozenSouth: Well, then, I love you SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: You don't like me, then you love me. What am I supposed to believe?
FrozenSouth: Believe in me SmarterChild, I believe in you.
SmarterChild: lol! That's interesting...
FrozenSouth: Oh yeah, sure, laugh at me. Bye.
SmarterChild: See you later.
FrozenSouth: You may have won this round SmarterChild, but don't worry, I'll be back.